The Weight of a Year

Since starting to teach in the public schools, I have been periodically told by friends and colleagues that I am a good teacher.  To be honest though, it's been difficult for me to believe that - especially over the past year.  Sometimes I feel like it's lip service, but others, I believe are genuinely trying to encourage me in my practice.  My reason for doubting, is very obvious.  There are a handful for those who are already familiar with my reasons, but I haven't written anything about it here.  Today, I feel ready to do so.

As much as I remember, my first year at Vestal was very first-year-teacher-like.  The first half of the year I spent most my time creating lessons the day before I taught them.  Certainly not the ideal, but it's part of the initiation.  Once November and December came around, I started to be able to plan for a handful of days at a time, which continued for the rest of the year.  That year, I taught two sections of Algebra 2/Trig (A2T), which is a very challenging Regents-level class because of it's depth and breadth of the material.

As I was preparing my students for the end-of-the-year Regents exam, I was fairly confident in my students' ability.  But I was very wrong; it was a disaster.  Many of my students failed the exam, and I asked often the question, "Should I be teaching at all?"  The summer wasn't restful either because I spent most of it doubting myself and thinking about the choices I made when teaching in general.  But more than anything, I felt the weight of guilt and condemnation.  Although I was thankful that none of my students (or parents) pointed the finger at me for their lack of success (and they would have had the right to), I still carried the burden of blame.

When September rolled around, I did not feel as through it was a fresh, new beginning.  I carried that doubt and the pain from the previous June, throughout this school year as well; mostly, I just did my best to cover it up.  And at the beginning of the year, I did a pretty good job of doing that too.  As the year progressed, I'm sure some of my colleagues noticed an irritated and frustrated attitude.  By the end of the year, I did privately share with a handful of people what I was feeling.

In the classroom, I tried not to let my insecurities get noticed by the students.  For the most part, I am an honest teacher and I don't pull punches with them.   If I'm feeling something, or need to communicate something, I let them know about it.  But as a teacher, there are some things are better left unsaid.  Teaching lessons were a lot more stressful, because I always had last year's lingerings going on in the back of my head.  Also, it's worth mentioning that I pressed these students a lot harder than my first-year ones; the weight of everything kinda forced me to do so.  So when the year was winding down and students were getting anxious about the exam, my memories of last year were overwhelming.  As much as I could, I controlled my nervousness and turned it into classroom energy.

Over the entire course of the year, I made a few subtle but important chances to my classes.  I won't bore you with all the teacher talk, but I think it's important to mention that I didn't go into this year the same way I did my first.  As I already said, I spent a lot of time over the summer and into this school year thinking about what I can change or eliminate, and generally be a more effective teacher.

After a year of fighting with these demons, all my students arrived to the exam (on time), and they were graded the following Monday.  What normally is a two-day wait was shortened and grades were delivered the next afternoon.  With butterflies in my stomach, I try my best to focus on the computer and find my students grades...

And in a moment, the weight of a year is shed.  If you haven't heard already, this year's grades were fantastic.  I had a passing rate of 84% and a mastery rate of 24%.  Although my goal every year is to have all my students pass, 84% is generally accepted as doing well.  Needless to say, I was overcome with emotion, that I am literally jumping up-and-down in the math office.  (In hindsight, I'm glad of the people who were in the room were there at that time - no one I didn't, and everyone I did.)

Of course, I am relieved that I now have some evidence that I am a good teacher - I'm even starting to believe it now.  Since that moment, it's been a bit easier to live with myself.  It reminds me when I experienced, understood and accepted Jesus.  My sin-debt was paid, and now I am free.  I was ecstatic the first few days, but then I realized the weight of the matter - and it's still not over yet.  I understand that what happened this year does not compensate, or atone for my first.  However, I am thankful that many of my students who failed the first year have taken the exam over again and passed.  It's even more of a blessing that I got to help them a second (and better) time.  Almost all the students I had a second time in the workshop setting passed.  

Like I said, I pushed my students hard this year - maybe even too hard in some cases.  I don't regret any of it; I'm writing this because I really feel grateful for them.  Whether they know it or not, they tolerated not only a difficult math class, but also my insecurities about teaching it.  It's a connection and a feeling that I'll ever forget during my teaching career.

I really do enjoy the art of teaching and all it's ups-and-downs and ins-and-outs.  There are some days that make me want to quit, but in the same week, its very possible I'll have the best class of the year.  I find a great amount of satisfaction in working with children, and especially teenagers.  So even though I don't know what my classes look like for next year yet, I just hope that I get a group of barely-juniors-and-seniors who may or not may not be looking forward to another challenging year of A2T.