Hashtag: Save Kovac

Lent 2014: Entry #4

One of the things I enjoy about teaching teenagers (and children in general) is that most of them are truly honest about how they feel about the world.  Granted, some of their honesty is overflowing from ignorance, arrogance, or both, but still, that's material I can work with.  I admire their energy and their passion, and to be honest, sometimes that's one of the few reason why I walk into the classroom day-after-day.

So as my employment has dwindling down and students start determining their schedules for next year, there have been days where I've literally felt physically sick.  When students (both ones I've taught and those I haven't) come up to you and say, "Can't wait to take your class next year," or, "You were the best math teacher I've ever had," or, "I won't take Algebra 2/Trig if I don't get you as a teacher," it really makes me want to throw-up.  To a teacher, hearing that is supposed to make you feel great.  But when you know you're leaving in four months, but haven't been cleared to tell students that yet, its torture to say something lame in response like, "Well, guidance counselors can't guarantee anyone, and other teachers can more than capable of teaching the class too."  That's not the answer they want to hear and that's not the answer I want to give.  Up until a little while ago, that is what I had to settle with - instead of returning honesty with honesty.

As far as staff and students have known, March 11 was the day I resigned, but I've known for almost a year now that I wasn't going to be back at the end of this year.  There's been a lot of insincerity, and at points, flat-out lying, just to protect myself and any hope of future employment.  I despise lying.  As I've already outlined, it's been more than challenging to live with myself lately, let alone to keep myself confident and assured that I'm the teacher that I know I am.  I'm just thankful that I have last year's results to remind me of my worth.

All this is a backdrop of what happened this week at school.  Since March 11 (the board meeting) there have been a fair number of teachers and paraprofessionals asking me about my resignation, but it was clear that the students hadn't found out yet.  So I waited, wondering if the whole thing would blow over, or if I would have to explain myself.  Predictably, some student found out about it, and as we all know, there are no secrets among teenagers; word gets around quick.  When one of my own students found out Thursday, I was fortunate enough to have one of my teacher friends give me a heads up.  I wasn't ready at the time to add any fuel to the fire - I thought waiting one more day would ensure that more people would hear it.

It was hard, but it was refreshing to be honest with my students for the first time all year - March 28.  I told them that I wouldn't be returning after this year.  They asked questions.  I gave them unsatisfying answers.  I teared up.  They teared up.  And then I got memorialized with my first Twitter hashtag: #SaveKovac.  Reactions varied greatly and accurate to their characters.  Louder students when went immediately to vent on social media, funny kids used humor to cope, shy kids stared in quiet disbelief, activists vowed to make t-shirts with the hashtag on it.  Many of them said they are going to write letters or sign petitions.  Although I'm honored by their outrage, and even though I don't put it past some of them to actually follow through with their knee-jerk reactions, I doubt anything will change.  At the end of the year, I'll still be gone.

However, it's undeniable that I am comforted by their words; their response has validated and invigorated my teaching.  I know that on Monday when I walk into my classroom, the students will be wondering how I'm going to lead them through the rest of the year.  They might be surprised, yet comforted, that I'll be doing the same thing I've been doing for the last three years - teach math and tell bad jokes.

...just that they'll probably start laughing at my bad jokes now.

A Quick Moment of Sunlight

Lent 2014: Entry #3

I should apologize to those who have to bear with me; I know that I haven't been the best of company as of late.  This past year has been a challenging, frustrating, and disappointing season of my life.  Between my job, family issues, and just a general dissatisfaction in my Christian walk, there are just some days where I feel that I haven't amounted to anything worthwhile.  Right now, I'm in one of my lowest valleys.

So over the past week, when people have come around to support and encourage me, I want them to know that it's been refreshing; a breath of fresh air; a quick moment of sunlight.  I feel blessed to be a part of a Bible study group that cares and prays over me when I expose my weaknesses.  And when I had to unexpectedly move my mother's possessions across town on very short notice last Saturday, it's a relief when a friend and their family are willing to sacrifice their whole afternoon to help.  (And on top of that get an additional phone call for extra help.)  Or, when two of my newest friends talked with me after church and absolutely insisted that they pray for my lingering unemployment, it's something that holds me together and gives me a reason to keep pushing forward in circumstances that have been downright awful.  I've been given a lot of other support lately too, but these three things so close to each other just really prompted me to write.

When God wants to show His absolute strength, sometimes He uses the weak the overpower the strong.  But sometimes, God just calls on His strong people to raise up those are burdened.  I'm thankful that God has placed people in my life who are eager to strengthen those who feel as though they have been shattered.

Self-Improvement and the Christian

Lent 2014: Entry #2

Although I have clearly decided not to pursue the path of engineering, there are still some characteristics of one that dominate my personality.  Specially, I am always trying to find ways to improve myself or the world around me.  Can this be done faster? better? more efficiently?  What if I did a little bit more reading or learning in this topic?  How much should I study my Bible this week?  Or, should I start physically training for that triathlon that I want to do?  To an extent, I'm sure we all do this, but maybe more of us do it more often than others.

I am a very analytical person, so I feel like I always have this script running through my head - always evaluating, critiquing, changing, tinkering.  What if I do that..?  or maybe this would work better?  As a teacher of mathematics, I feel like this is a great strength in the classroom and especially when designing lessons and troubleshooting student misconceptions.  I'm sure it has a lot of other uses too.  But as a disciple and follower of Christ, I wonder if the drive for self-improvement is doing more to hinder than to help

Case-in-point has been the excellent sermon series we've been going through at Good Shepherd.  As we are in the final chapters of Mark, it has become increasingly obvious that Peter has been devoting himself to Jesus and the Gospel.  He's even one of the first to realize Jesus as the Christ - the Messiah and Author of Life.  However, Peter continually tries to gain Jesus' appreciation and love through the strength of his works and words.  Anyone who has read through the Bible quickly understands that Peter is a proud man.  I think it's so easy to pick out Peter's sin and bone-headedness is because we relate to him so well - we are just as prideful as he is. 

But both Peter's strength of self and sinful pride are completely crushed during the section where Peter denies Jesus three times in a single night.  Here, Peter's self-improvement plan to Jesus ends, and is an utterly broken man.  And that's where I start to question myself.  By most, self-improvement is considered a great and noble endeavor, but only as long as it keeps going and proves itself successful.  The moment we falter, misstep, or come short of our goal, all the effort into improving ourselves have come to nothing.  And anyone who has tried to master a discipline or attempt a new way of life has found failure - even if initial success was there.  Eventually, our bodies give up, our minds can't comprehend, or the forces around us move out of control.  So what's next after that?  Build it up again to watch it fall?

No, but rather this from 1 Timothy 4:

Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.

We know that Peter goes on be a powerful and influential man in the first generation of the Christian church.  But I doubt that he picked himself up by his own bootstraps.  After this third denial and at the sight Jesus beaten, Peter, for all his physical strength and bold attitude, falls and cries knowing that all the strength and pride in the world will get him no closer to Jesus than those who seek his crucifixion.

Self-improvement may be of some value, but the day I give up thinking that I can get myself out of my newest disaster, will be the day that I'll be more effective in God's kingdom come.  I can try doing the work that is front of me by my own will, but to be completely honest, I just hope I have the courage and trust to be dependent on God and let Him improve me the way I was created to be.  That sounds like better than any plan I have ever came up with.

It is not the Critic that Counts

Lent 2014: Entry #1

As of late, I've been rather captivated by the Roosevelt speech quote:

It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is scarred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Over the past two years, my employment situation has become both emotionally and mentally infuriating, and this has been most expressed in my interactions with students and my closest co-workers in the math office.  I'm not surprised though, considering that an important part of a teacher's job is to connect - in ways beyond content material - with their students.  Teaching is as much social interaction as it is instruction.  Of course it's the interactions that keep us coming back to the classroom day; no teacher continues in the profession because they enjoy the paperwork and politics.  For me though, it's impossible to forget that as I continue to strengthen these relationships, there is a fast-approaching time where I have to make a clean cut, and walk away from this school in June.

So when I fire-up my computer every morning, this quote is the first thing I see.  There have been many visitors in my classroom, and I can't deny that I have benefited from some of their suggestions.  However, I have discarded much of it.  It's easy to condemn, critique and tear down; it's much more challenging to take your lumps and continue doing what you know is right.  So despite my frustrations, I keep myself professional and resist allowing any bitterness effect my teaching and interactions with the students.  After all, they have nothing to do with my inevitable departure.  So even though I want to be completely candid, authentic, and transparent with my students, including expressing my day-to-day emotions, I abstain for their benefit.  Ultimately, my job is to teach them mathematics, and hopefully I do that well.  More importantly, I pray that I am presenting myself as a godly example of a Christian-servant, and somehow end up teaching them how to think in a way that glorifies the Creator.

So together, as a teacher and his students, we press on against overwhelming curriculum and against our collective doubters.  And together we will continue to fight in the arena, knowing that regardless of the outcome, that we have not become the cold and timid souls.