Although I have clearly decided not to pursue the path of engineering, there are still some characteristics of one that dominate my personality. Specially, I am always trying to find ways to improve myself or the world around me. Can this be done faster? better? more efficiently? What if I did a little bit more reading or learning in this topic? How much should I study my Bible this week? Or, should I start physically training for that triathlon that I want to do? To an extent, I'm sure we all do this, but maybe more of us do it more often than others.
I am a very analytical person, so I feel like I always have this script running through my head - always evaluating, critiquing, changing, tinkering. What if I do that..? or maybe this would work better? As a teacher of mathematics, I feel like this is a great strength in the classroom and especially when designing lessons and troubleshooting student misconceptions. I'm sure it has a lot of other uses too. But as a disciple and follower of Christ, I wonder if the drive for self-improvement is doing more to hinder than to help
Case-in-point has been the excellent sermon series we've been going through at Good Shepherd. As we are in the final chapters of Mark, it has become increasingly obvious that Peter has been devoting himself to Jesus and the Gospel. He's even one of the first to realize Jesus as the Christ - the Messiah and Author of Life. However, Peter continually tries to gain Jesus' appreciation and love through the strength of his works and words. Anyone who has read through the Bible quickly understands that Peter is a proud man. I think it's so easy to pick out Peter's sin and bone-headedness is because we relate to him so well - we are just as prideful as he is.
But both Peter's strength of self and sinful pride are completely crushed during the section where Peter denies Jesus three times in a single night. Here, Peter's self-improvement plan to Jesus ends, and is an utterly broken man. And that's where I start to question myself. By most, self-improvement is considered a great and noble endeavor, but only as long as it keeps going and proves itself successful. The moment we falter, misstep, or come short of our goal, all the effort into improving ourselves have come to nothing. And anyone who has tried to master a discipline or attempt a new way of life has found failure - even if initial success was there. Eventually, our bodies give up, our minds can't comprehend, or the forces around us move out of control. So what's next after that? Build it up again to watch it fall?
No, but rather this from 1 Timothy 4:
Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.
We know that Peter goes on be a powerful and influential man in the first generation of the Christian church. But I doubt that he picked himself up by his own bootstraps. After this third denial and at the sight Jesus beaten, Peter, for all his physical strength and bold attitude, falls and cries knowing that all the strength and pride in the world will get him no closer to Jesus than those who seek his crucifixion.
Self-improvement may be of some value, but the day I give up thinking that I can get myself out of my newest disaster, will be the day that I'll be more effective in God's kingdom come. I can try doing the work that is front of me by my own will, but to be completely honest, I just hope I have the courage and trust to be dependent on God and let Him improve me the way I was created to be. That sounds like better than any plan I have ever came up with.
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