Vacation and a Well-Constructed Fire

Before knowing I would even be in a position to accept a job offer, Andrea and I had planned to vacation immediately after the school year ended for a few reasons.  I figured that I would be borderline miserable as the school year concluded, and I think that would have held up if I wasn't interviewing once or twice a week.  Also, I figured if I did happen to land a job, we would have to move quickly and definitely in August.  So taking some time to relax in the first of week of July seemed appropriate.

It took us all of about 20 seconds to figure out where we wanted to go.  The cottage on Cayuga Lake was the obvious choice because it is isolated from a lot of things that get us both distracted and/or annoyed.  A quiet location, by water, and doesn’t have access to the Internet. 

Turns out, we couldn’t have picked a better time either.  The weather was beautiful and allowed for excessive outdoor activity.  Evelyn, who normally gets about an hour or two (at most) of outdoor time at home, was outside for almost all her time barring eating and sleeping.  She enjoyed throwing rocks into the lake, kicking balls inside and outside the house, wading in the water with anyone who will take her out, and going on long walks up and down the private road.  Andrea made amazing breakfasts and dinners and I picked up where I left off last summer regarding my delicious grilling.  Andrea and I even managed to get a few dates in there, and capped it all off with a beautiful wedding ceremony of one of my closest high school friends.

A month or two before I had secured the job, I promised myself that I would have an overly dramatic “finalization event” of some sort that would landmark the finality of Vestal and the beginning of a new (and better) era.  With everything falling into place right before vacation, it quickly came to me that a proper “Burning of the Documents” would be perfect.  (For reference: The Documents were the collection of papers created by Vestal administrators that ultimately justified their belief that I should be denied tenure.)  The cottage already has a place for bonfires, so I just had to obtain some wood to burn.  Although it would be much easier to find someone giving away free wood, or simply buy some bundled wood, I felt it more appropriate if I procure the wood by my own sweat.  Over the past few years, I’ve noticed that the sand on the beach and the water was littered with driftwood.  So I spent the first few days of vacation rescuing driftwood from their watery depths and laying them out to dry on the dock. 

In the morning on the day of the “Burning of the Documents,” I carefully constructed the wood that I had collected into a respectable cabin-like arrangement.  As I was doing so, I thought of all those alters that people in the Old Testament made by hand.  Although my sacrifice wasn't nearly as impressive, it still takes a lot of work and time and thought to make.  In that sense, I suppose the process of building such an alter is also an act of devotion and worship that can be even more therapeutic and sanctifying than the burning of the offering itself.

Watching the fires burn away the papers I have grown to detest was deeply satisfying for me.  And even though those papers don’t have any physical existence anymore (except in some forsaken corner of the administrative building), they still have greatly changed many people’s lives.  But the whole reason I wanted this fire was to remind me that this was something painful, but it was also being removed from my life; akin to the way God purges us of our sin.  Of course, the result of our sin carries with us the rest of our lives.  But by same act of grace, God doesn't see that in us.  And when our final day comes, those who trust God can be found without blame or fault.  Certainly not by our own doings, but rather our holiness comes solely from the flames of purification that only God controls.  In this, ultimately, I will find my final rest, and I won't have to build the fire myself either.

A Better Proposition

I ended the previous blog a bit precariously on purpose.  Writing all these entries in hindsight allows me to play around with the timeline a bit, and I’m finding that enjoyable.  So humor me a little bit as I indulge myself here; its fun to write like this.

Almost like a reward for the ridiculous circumstances in my previous interview, God prompted another private Christian school in Virginia to call me the very next day (Monday) after I sent the e-mail (but unlike the last school, this one actually does believe in the Bible).  After some brief conversation, we scheduled a Skype interview for the following day.  

Only, something very different happened and unexpected at what I thought was the end of the interview.  The Headmaster of the school dismissed his colleagues, but requested that I stay online with him to talk about further matters.  I told him about my misfortunes at Vestal, and he countered with a list of expectations of their teachers that would make any public teacher in New York State instantly jealous.  As we started talking salary though, we ran into some conflict.  Predictably, I was asking for too much than what they had to give me.  At this point, I expected the conversation would be over and I’d be waiting for the next call from another school.

Only, something very beautiful happened.  We both expressed a mutual wanting to make the position work for all parties and a mutual disappointment if something couldn’t be reached.  So we started talking about numbers and creative ways to increase the salary.  By the end of the negotiation, I left with a promise of a decent-enough paying job (and some exciting additional obligations) and soon-to-be-coming offer, and he left with a high performing (and ruggedly good-looking) math teacher at his school next year.  In contrast to my experience at Vestal, the beauty came through our collective ability to work through a conflict and create a result where everyone feels good about what happened:  the elusive win-win.  Before even starting my first day, I know I’m working with a school that doesn’t fear conflict, and is willing to honestly work towards real and effective solutions.

Only four days after the initial interest phone call, I was presented an official offer.  After the weekend to talk it over with Andrea, I accepted my position the following Monday, though I still can't help but chuckle at the timing.  What was supposed to be my first official day of unemployment became the day that I accepted an offer to teach.  Although the way everything has been happening isn’t my first choice in any respects, I’m comfortable enough at this point to say that God has been faithful and gracious; certainly God calls His faithful to venture out to unknown places and uncomfortable situations.  In due time, I'm sure His purpose and will to be clarified daily.

Before dealing with the stresses of relocation, there is still some unfinished business to take care of…

An Interesting Interview

As I already mentioned here before, I've given up on the disappointing interviews and non-calls from public schools within state lines, so I've been working alongside the STA to find a school that wouldn’t judge my teaching based on my troubled past, but instead on my credentials, qualifications and promising potential. 

The first place that showed some interest was a private Christian school in Virginia.  After what I thought was an excellent Friday interview over Skype, I was given a simple assignment.  Check out that school’s church’s website, and give some feedback on a few of the sermons.  “Simple enough,” I thought.  I already had done some researching of my own on both the school’s and the church’s website, and was mainly impressed apart from a few minor things. Knowing that no church is perfect (not even Good Shepherd), I was willing to glance over that for the time being.  I even thought it wonderful that I might not only find employment through this school, but also find a church as well.  You know… the whole two-birds-and-one-stone thing.

So when Evelyn went down for her nap on the following Saturday afternoon, Andrea and I listened to the first sermon, which was given on Father’s Day so it was about relationships that Fathers should have.  Admittedly, I was a bit skeptic before listening to a Father’s Day sermon because I think they are inherently corny.  But this one wasn’t too bad (barring a few Biblical understatements) and I felt it addressed a predominant issue concerning church-going men in general.

But for more assurance, I decided to listen to the sermon the week before that to get an idea of what type of preaching happened on a non-holiday.  I was, to the say the least, shocked. Without having to repeat myself, here is an edited excerpt of the e-mail I sent my interviewer.

Mr. _______,  

As for the  message, it was very hard for me to watch it because I adamantly disagreed with many of the pastor's points, the chief of which dealt with his interpretation and use of the Bible.  Although the Bible is not God, the Bible is God's infallible and living Word and it is our best and only resource that Christians have in being able to interpret the will of God, from daily spiritual living to the accountability of a church and their leaders.  Unless there is an issue within your church where you have too many Christians reading and memorizing the Bible exclusively, that long exposition taken to undermine the Bible seemed excessive and unnecessary and to be honest, frightening as a Christian.  

I have been to many churches across a number of denominations, but I have never been a part of a church body where the Bible was being read too much; in fact, it seems as though American Christians in particular know practically nothing about their Bible, let alone knowing it deeply.  I know that you are not advising to neglect Bible studies, however, I find it difficult to believe that people don't read anything but the Bible and the Bible alone in this day and age.  Although I am not ordained as a pastor or priest, if I were, I would much rather have a church that knows their Bible too much, than not enough.  From that standpoint, you really could lead a church to do many great things across the community - especially in the building of disciples.  

The last major thing I noticed in both sermons is that there seems to be a large emphasis on human will and overcoming difficulties with more personal strength and effort.  Before and after committing my life to Christ, I lacked no ambition to put my all into everything.  In fact, that is how I was raised.  Whether it is raising a family, teaching people mathematics, or assisting and serving my church, I (unfortunately) pride myself greatly on my efforts and completed tasks.  Simply, I have never been accused of not working hard or trying my best; in everything I do, I do it for the Lord.  Because of my obvious and glaring failures in life, I know that I need something more than myself to produce anything good.  Sometimes my best efforts just aren't enough, and that is why Jesus teaches us to be repentant and dependent on him.  A reliance on self is the sin of pride, which we should count as loss.  When we rely on our own effort and strength, we are attempting to bend God to our will and that is a sin.  That is why Jesus prays, "Not my will be done, but yours."  It is a beautiful, powerful, and transforming prayer for us to adopt as well.  If the pastor's point here was to urge an apathetic or lazy church into action, then the message should not be for them to rely on their own strength to gain success.  We have already tried, and we have already failed.  Instead, we should be rely on the only thing we know that is dependable, which is God's sufficient grace.  So then if we fail, we are not destitute with ourselves or disappointed with our outcomes, but instead, comforted that Jesus still continues to love us despite our (many) failures.  Regardless of our efforts, the will of God always happens. 

I know that writing this next statement probably kills my chances of getting the job, and I'm fully prepared for that fact.  However I'm going to say it anyways; I know that my wife and I would not feel comfortable becoming members of your church, and if offered the job, we have already decided on looking for another church to further our walk with God.  I told you in my interview that I'm always honest with my students, but the same goes with my co-workers and administration as well.  

I know this response may seem harsh and uncomfortable, however, I do await a response from you about this.  Thank you for reading my reply all the way through.

Needless to say, it took some bravery knowing it would most likely remove me as a candidate for the position, but it was exhilarating to write.  To make a stand for the Gospel in such a clear and succinct way strengthened my resolve to find a job where I knew we would respect one another mutually.  To accept as job such as that one would ultimately be no better than my situation in Vestal.

Bear's Bane

The final two weeks of the year are reserved for final exams (for students) and grading and paperwork (for teachers).  After a year of teaching students how to do compute countless number of algorithms, understand deep mathematical concepts, and struggling through mistakes, by the time finals come around, it’s always an anxious time for teachers who honestly care about their students.  This year, I had 26 students attempt New York’s hardest math Regents: the dreaded Algebra 2/Trigonometry Exam.  Even though I hand seven more students than last year, I was content with nearly identical passing (81%) and mastery (27%) rates as last year.  Once the anticipation faded, days were spent between entering data, completing teaching evaluation paperwork, and writing e-mails.  Sprinkle in a little bit of desk cleaning, student obligation forms, and inventorying calculators and books, and you got yourself a solid six to eight days of work.

As much as that may sound mundane, it was also in equal parts surreal.  I couldn’t help but think, “These are my last exams here,” or, “Why am I completely emptying out my filing cabinet,” or, “I’m so glad I’ll never have to fill out these useless evaluation forms again.”  Thoughts like these are reserved for teachers with much more gray hair and many more years of experience than I have of either. Not only has the typical school year worn me out, but the emotion attached to this year in particular left me physically and mentally exhausted.  Don’t read this as ingratitude though.  I’m very grateful for the many people whom I’ve worked alongside with over the past three years, and their words of encouragement regarding my strength of character, work ethic, commitment to students, and dedication to the profession as a whole.  But no one can deny the mystery or absurdity about my departure from Vestal - and that still includes me.  The situation defies all reason and understanding and logic, and over the past 14 months it’s been hard working toward forgiveness, acceptance and peace.  If nothing else, it’s been a comfort to pray to God on a weekly basis, “From You, no secrets are hid.”  Though I am surrounded in uncertainty, the Lord has not even flinched; He knows the dark secrets of men and has guided me well despite my doubt and unbelief. 

Interspersed in those final two weeks were a series of interviews, but more about those later.  As for Vestal and the Golden Bears, I certainly can’t say it’s been a great time.  There are people and times and places that I will look back on and remember with intense fondness.  My very first day of classes as a first year teacher, the shouts of “Kovac” down the halls, the exact moment I found out my second year Algebra 2/ Trig scores, and all the conversations between respected peers and students in the math office and extra help room, respectively, are a few that come immediately to mind.  Attached to those memories though – as close as shadows – are times where I struggled to value myself not only as a half-way decent teacher, but even as a father, husband, and a man.  Although not completely joyless, this has been a dark time.

So Goodbye Vestal; I wish I could say otherwise, but you will not be missed.